


Thinking Too Much

by lunamun7



Category: GOT7, Team Wang - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Gen, Reference of Death, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-17 04:15:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21048137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunamun7/pseuds/lunamun7
Summary: Something i thought about writing while hearing Bullet To The Heart, from Jackson Wang.Hope you don't feel uncomfortable reading.





	Thinking Too Much

"_Pieces of peace in the sun's peace of mind_

_I know it's hard sometimes_

_Yeah, I think about the end just way too much_

_But it's fun to fantasize_

_All my enemies who wouldn't wish who I was_

_But it's fun to fantasize"_

About now.

Where am i?

What I'm doing here?

Where is here?

What happened to myself?

I don't know.

As far as i can remember , i never wanted to know anything.

I wasn't thinking about any of the consequences of my actions, i just wanted to them feel exactly what i felt, that's why I'm here today. Because even doing what i thought was the right thing, made justice with my own hands. Made them feel what i always felt inside me. I wasn't satisfied. I was more and more sad everyday. Is frustrating.

And now i woke up again, in this bed, in this same clinic. Dozed and nauseated. I feel sick. My pain may be sedated but it didn't ended.

"_How you feel today Jackson?_"

How i answered him? What i say to him? - 

"_Actually doctor, i don't feel nothing. I mean, I'm stuck in my own darkness, i think_"

I said to him and them he said things that i could do to try to feel better. Sometimes i think if there will be a time a will feel better.

One day i was walking down the streets to my new college and the other inwas being bullied by the soccer team.

It lasted for about two years. Yeah. I suffered for two years on their hands. Until i met someone that i thought would be the end of my suffering, but then, after more two years, everything started again.

You may be asking how. And i will answer this to you now. The person i thought would be my saver approach me only to be after my only hell. Sometimes i think about the end way too much. I didn't know at the beginning how to end all of that.

I wanted to end the suffering but i also like him too much to do something.

Day by day i was in my only hell without a way out. I couldn't find in the darkness of his eyes.

He controlled me. And i let him do it.

Maybe it was only my fault. I heard someone say one day. My friend said to me that if i wanted that pain to end, i had to start doing something about it.

Thats what i did.

I made the pain feel at ease.

I started to made them suffer just like i was.

At the end it was in vain. My pain was still there.

I was suffocating.

I couldn't sleep anymore.

Eat was a torture. Almost half of my day coming back from school was be in my bed looking at nothing and feeling lesser every day.

I felt numb.

Lost.

The other that made my life a mess stoped for real to bully me. The person i was with just ignored my depressed self and found another one. I still remember that day i found out him messing with the other guy.

"_Why me? Why you're doing this to me?_" I ask them.

_"You were my best friend... And you... Just why?"_ I asked, i was desperate to know an answer i couldn't receive - _**I'm sorry**_ \- i wanted to hear from them but the only thing i heard was.

_"you're depressed ass is getting on my nerves. Besides, he is way better than you will ever be, you are just a useless bitch i don't need anymore"_

Yeah.

He said that to me whike the other with him laughed at my face.

I couldn't see anything in front on me after that, my eyes blurred with tears i did not notice it was falling. I was beyond broke.

I wanted to feel loved. Cared. I wanted to feel embraced when the only thing i had was loneliness and a heart broken.

I always knew something was wrong with me. I knew i was different from the other kids.

I thought, one day that i was happy but who is in this world?

I always thought about why people do what they do with others. Why they like to hurt so much. Why they enjoy the others pain.

I may never get to know the answer because people suck anyway.

And that made me tired of that.

So i went to my home. Lock myself and did what i had to do to stop the pain.

And that's why I'm here. In this clinic. They said here that i receive my second chance of live.

Did i?

What that actually means, if outside of here the world is still the same?

Sometimes i think about the end too much.

I like to fantasize about a day when i will do something and wake up in a better place. Far away from here, more colorful and peaceful.

Is nice to fantasize.

Is the only thing i have now.

Somedays i wake up scared of my life 

Scared that i will be able ti go outside, i fear for my life. 

I don't know if I'll be able to continue. 

I'm now diagnosed with anxiety. 

The doctor here I'm being threaten wants to medicate me. But as much as i need thus, i know that at the first dose I'm gone. But at the same time it can be the solution of my problems. 

I want to feel safe again. I want to be able to have a happy life in the future. But there is a future for me? 

_"Jackson, you have to start thinking that your kife is worth to be lived. You're nit akone in this world, i know that it sounds egotistical to say but you gave to start thinking about yourself more that thinking about what you want from people. Don't wait for them to make you feel something, start doing this without them. You don't need anyone to make you feel alive, to make you realize your life has a meaning. Maybe try give this to your own self, find a meaningful way to live. You are better than any of this. Think about it"_

Doctor Mira said to me everytime i meet her. She is an nice lady that doesn't get bored of me. Maybe what she say is true. Maybe i really need to start thinking of a way to live without waiting for someone to appear and make my life meaningful. Maybe he's right and i really don't need anyone else to make me realize I'm more than what people think about me. 

But as fast as the positive thoughts came i. My mind, the negative seem to come faster. 

I ha e to try harder. I fight with my own self. 

I need to find a way. 

I leave the clinic in three weeks. I will change school, and city. I'm moving to korea. 

My parents are waiting for me there, they don't know much about what happened yet, and they are really happy that I'm coming back. 

I'm scared. I fear change. 

But i have to go. I can't meet Mark or my friend anymore, is over. 

I'm thinking about my self for the first time. 

I don't wanna be in pain and be someone's garbage. I'm better than this, i think. 

I deserve more.


End file.
